i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
