Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
