My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
