dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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