Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
