i just wanna soil my oats bro
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
