I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
