i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
