I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
