I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
