I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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