He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
