her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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