So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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