Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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