How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
