happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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