No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
