i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i need some magic done to my vagina
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
