Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Me too!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
