Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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