1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just threw up on my dentist
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I have already put on my inside pants.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
