that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
