with your own penis?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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