You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
