Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You are the jesus of drinking
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
