my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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