he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
