Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
