hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
