ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
