I got chris browned last night
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
