I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
