the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Go christen that room with your naked body.
this hospital has no fireball
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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