I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
