life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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