I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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