I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The air was thick with penises
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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