My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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