Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
