Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
