I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
