Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
