my phone needs a breathalizer
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
