What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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