She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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