The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
