she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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