dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
