Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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