I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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