apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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